Mother Nature’s Punk
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Letter;
Dear Tim,
I must explain the strangeness of hearing from you, and that it may be hard
to distinguish how much time has passed. What we talked about was a mirror
of what I'd been thinking, it was good to be true. The sky is blue and the
air is so clear. Where are you in this cruel summer? Supposedly tomorrow the
decision will be made about war. I'm hoping that we are at the end of civilization.
I saw something the other day which I felt truly summed up things here in
the 20th century...it was a big, blue banner outside Skipper's fish and chips
that stated, "Baked or fried, it's your choice". I laughed my head
off, twisting that around. It's like the gas chamber or the firing squad,
it's your choice, but at least you have a choice. To me America is not the
social/political structure. As far as that goes, it is time for it to go up
in flames. It's an idea whose time has come and gone. This America is like
a play acted out by thieves which has run too long, but the rest of the audience,
the population, has been tied to their chairs, drugged, and cannot leave.
Here life is corruption, time is disposable. Things are okay I guess except
for when I go to work, which contorts my mood into a wrath of sourness, and
I become incapable of talking myself into finding any false pleasure of being
there. I spit my loose and bloody, stinking teeth into the face of those perfectly
inept caricatures of humans, who day in and day out find their sole purpose
in hanging out in that "ain't that America" shit factory. It's just
no fun. I want to belong, somewhere. I felt it best to let you know about
the hatred I have in my heart.
I'm going into my final isolation. I've got a room. Actually a mattress in
the basement, and it's hard to sleep down there because there is no window.
It's a very dark and disorienting place to sleep....have to turn on a light
or something so I don't go crazy. I can't stand complete dar kness because
I feel like I'm going blind. Have you heard about blind people who have had
their sight restored but could not look at the world with any sense of comprehension
and preferred to keep their eyes closed, and go back to feeling their way
through the world, or people who have their speech restored and are frightened
of the sounds they make, that garble from their throats, and refuse to speak?
I feel like that sometimes, afraid of my subconscious, of the strange, terrifying
noise it would make if it were ever freed.
I was born angelic. Born innocent
I was not. Candy says you can disguise your emotions, you can even numb them,
and finally you can paralyze them, and that is tragic. Our emotions are the
only clues to our identity and the only true meaning in life is passion. Everyone
I meet ends up being twisted in some ornate pattern of longing. The creative
instinct is greatest in those whose destructive instinct is also great. Potential
is our downfall. Maybe all of us, we're so intoxicated by the Dream, the Desire,
that we don't see another path in the simple sense that we have been gravitating
ourselves towards the sky for some time, that we are unconsciously shifting
in this process. That's what fortune is, fortune is fate, through many lifetimes,
walking out of a dream. I'm not remembering much. Have you ever wondered how
much of your life is luck? In spite of what others believe I am not possessed
by Satan, I am possessed by truth and beauty. People still aren't terribly
willing to look at the truth.
I'm confronting the emptiness of
my life in that concrete devastation called the City, and attempting to map
out its forgotten secrets. It will be a map leading to nowhere, a map loaded
with dead end streets, avenues under construction, boulevards of emptiness,
overpasses that crumble, freeways to an absolute abandonment of logic. Read
one way, the map is out of control, it is no longer a map but a maze with
a sealed, lost and forgotten entrance, the only exit being complete self destruction,
combustion by immeasurable degrees of heat. No melt down, but sheer high pressure
explosion. The only choice besides eternal damnation is to combust, disappear
and disintegrate like glass becoming a fine powder then evaporating completely.
But read from some other perspective and you can locate this other place,
an ancient place. The tops of the hills kiss the sky, that city of hills upon
which you ascend and disappear into the sky. That city in which you can discover
cracks in the foundation and peer into the abyss. As if suspended in formaldehyde,
everyone sees something different. Here night is a clean, shining razor and
the day a powdery, weightless heat. I want to see it again. I want to see
there still is beauty in the world. I don't know what I want except Bliss,
so who knows?
My goal has been to go to nowhere,
somehow I lost my path. The other night I dreamed of this and tried to remember
what I really am. Pieces of me came back. It's frightening to think about
being here, I wake up and am nervous. I have no objection to leaving this
town. So maybe I'll learn to drive. So why don't you wander around and I will
send you a ship made of Band Aids, and it will be waiting for you in the Atlantic
ocean, in the middle, at the bottom.
This morning I sat for an hour
listening to my Walkman and watching all the people go by on the conveyor
belt. Today it rains and is kind of sad out. Maybe I'm just reflecting too
much today. All these masks that we love to wear. Lying that they hide our
true face, knowing t hat some people see through and that terrifies me. Oh
hell. But I am slowly gaining control over my evil. I've been so cold and
frozen in my heart that it has been impossible to feel compassion towards
anything, but I feel it's changing. Fires in my toes and fingers. The sun
is coming out. I love you and the sun. I just know something good is going
to happen. I have to go because I am shaky, dizzy, and can't think.
P.S. The photo I'm sending was taken at the exact moment I felt GOD.
Legion
Annual Report
Okay, to sum it up;
The sky has been amazing in it’s diverse manifestations this month.
One morning my train exited the Transbay Tube, seemingly flying into the most
crimson sunrise I have ever witnessed. Impenetrable blackness edged in a luminous
blood. Behind me were towers of pink, blue and gray clouds that only hinted
at the heights in which they hovered. Beneath, across the shipyards and freeways
the cars and trucks sped from one catastrophe to another. Another day, between
storms, the clouds took the shape of refugees, silently moving in cumbersome
groups to the east. Some of them wept. Still once more, just after a downpour
the sun came out, causing every drop of thousands on a drenched tree outside
my window to burst into shimmering, pulsating colors; red, yellow, blue and
silver. I am sure that it has been written that the sky is a mirror. In fact,
this comes from Islam. Though some may look to the heavens and see God, I
see only fear, violence, and displacement. The only hope is shown to be the
fragmentation of the sun’s gaze into thousands of incomprehensible shards
of light and color.
What has forty years beneath this
sky brought me? It has brought me one at a time, these shards of Heaven’s
reflection, in the form of people that I love. If I could, I would piece together
again the Paradise you resemble so that one day we may move across it’s
surface to the east to a very new, real world of our own making.
If I had a child I would teach it to relish it’s own triumphs and victories
while feeling other’s defeats and failures, to know that what wishes
to triumph over has a price paid for by oneself and others. Nothing good stands
without a shadow.
My affections are expressed in;
Afternoons with friends doing absolutely nothing
Electricity
Social exchanges with complete strangers
Loud, dislocating music played through good headphones
Glass of wine, rainy night and excellent movie
Asymmetry
The arrogance of youth
Wildcat strikes
Unbearable love
Intelligent destruction
Personal mythologies
The first cup of coffee
Unbridled desire
What remains unspoken
To all whom I love, thank you.
Without you I would have no shape.
Tim Blue